Inconsequential Logic

Perspective...

2011-11-05T04:34:00.000-05:00

When You're Afraid to Love (Excerpts from the writings of David Hammond)

2011-10-30T00:06:00.000-05:00

Love makes you vulnerable, but that's the beauty of it. The sum of the pain, uncertainty and potential all wrapped up together is like a kid opening a gift Christmas morning.

....My intent on conversing with you is to awaken these desires and to spark the conversation of appreciation of the simple most astounding gift given to man. LOVE. Though we use the word often, many of us don't do it because we've resigned ourselves to a time of life when things didn't work out. We've got to find courage to venture again.

People don't know how to love, and when they see it's residue they envy it. Sometimes to a point of jealousy. I'm not afraid to express, I will live and that's my declaration. No more trapping what's inside for the sake of settling. I want it in it's fullness and I will have it. Hopefully some will learn to engage without reservation and if rejected still love themselves sooo much that they will see that the other has lost what was most precious.

I now live to laugh and interact with others in a more balanced way. Everybody's not in that place, but I am at this point in my life and I enjoy it. I almost died the other way and now that I'm out of the box, I don't plan on returning.

- David

Taking Some Time

2010-10-12T04:59:00.002-05:00

It's that cyclical dose of life that seems to have caught up with me yet again. I won't be posting for a while. But I'll certainly be making every attempt to read the blogs I love to visit.

Hopefully, I'll be back soon.

Saturday Night Open Thread: What Will Yours Be?

2010-09-18T22:03:00.001-05:00

The average human lifespan is about 77.5 years. This average is based on all sorts of factors. We know heredity, life style, geographic location and even gender affect the final outcome. That's about 30,000 days, give or take.

Depending on what stage of life you're currently in affects how you view life and the brevity of it. Are you content? Have you accomplished what you planned to accomplish all those years ago when you were told by someone that the world was your oyster and there were endless possibilities waiting for you...if you got a good education, worked hard, kept your nose clean and believed? Would you do anything differently if given an opportunity to start over?

What do you want your legacy to be?

A CHARMED LIFE?

2010-09-06T20:43:00.003-05:00

I had the awesome privilege of being raised by a mother who made sure that we didn't know we were poor. As a matter of fact, until I became old enough to appreciate the value of a dollar, I thought we were pretty well off. Never mind that the five of us lived in a 800 sq ft cinder block house......I just considered it cozy. Or the brand name clothes that I wore on a regular basis.....Which I later found were either hand me downs from some of her co-workers kids or carport sale finds.

Holidays celebrations were elaborate. We would often run out of room to put gifts(which wasn't hard to do in a 7x12 living room). Holiday dinners always consisted of turkey and ham, along with all the trimmings. My young mind could not even imagine how much money my mom must have been making! I mean, a tower of toys every year; A fabulous feast for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter! Oh Yeah, my mom was in the money.

I never remember a car being repossessed or any utilities being turned off. There was always food in the refrigerator and plenty of canned goods in the pantry. We even had the occasional family outing at one of the local fast food joints. Life was pure bliss!

Now, as an adult, I really have an appreciation for my mother and the way she raised us. I now know that the toys were bought on credit and she sometimes struggled to pay for them. The food was bought with food stamps.....I thought food stamps were regular currency with different colors. I never would have imagined that it was government assistance.

Because of my upbringing and the example my mother set, I can live carefree even in this economy. I wear clothes until they wear out. I'm sometimes called old fashioned, but I am always covered. No food gets thrown away at my house....Leftovers are just as good 2 days later! Maybe I'm just frugal.

I said all that to say this;"Your kids don't need to know your struggles. All they need to know is that they were taken care of". Some might disagree and say that kids need to know what you went through to provide for them, so that they will appreciate it more. I say that kids have enough to deal with these days, without having to think that they are a financial burden.

I applaud anyone who performs their parental duties without looking for a pat on the back. The satisfaction you get from knowing your family is taken care of is worth far more than any praise you could ever receive.

Angioedema Beats Collagen Injections Hands Down!!

2010-09-01T17:55:00.002-05:00

My first online lesson in Nursing 101. Today I was playing around with the guy who had the audacity to ask me how much I weigh? Y'all remember him, right? Well during our horseplaying session he accidentally elbowed me in the lip. It hurt and broke the skin slightly but there was no bleeding or bruising.

About an hour later I noticed swelling near the sight of injury. It wasn't the usual fat lip type of swelling. It was encompassing my entire bottom lip. I applied an ice pack but it kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

The little nurse in my head knew exactly what was going on. About an hour before the elbow incident I took my blood pressure pill. For about the past 6 months I've been taking Lotrel, an antihypertensive medication which combines a calcium channel blocker (amlodipine besylate) with an angiotensin converting enzyme inhibitor (benazepril). That probably doesn't mean a whole lot but the ACE (angiontensin converting enzyme) inhibitor part of the pill has been known to cause severe allergic reactions in patients without warning. Seriously. A patient may have been on this medication for years and all of a sudden have this happen -

As horrific as it looks, cosmetically speaking, the complications that go along with it can be lethal. Not only does your mouth swell...your tongue and airway can become so swollen that breathing is compromised and intubation is necessary!

I left the house on two wheels heading to the ER where I was rushed into the trauma room, IV started, medications given for the reaction, and vital signs monitored closely. I didn't feel bad. I just looked like a collagen gone bad horror story. My lip grew about twice the size it was in the pic. But my breathing was fine. Doc was still concerned. So in addition to all the other meds he gave me, he decided to try a dose of epinephrine. Worked like a charm.

So now I'm home...with a lip that's entirely too big for my body. But the swelling is decreasing little by little.

Boy what a day!

** Oh, in case you were wondering, I was not poking my lip out. That monstrosity was protruding like a bratwurst sausage...all on it's own...

Mommy Issues

2010-08-12T00:48:00.000-05:00

We were all sitting around at work the other night and one of my coworkers struck up a conversation about how she and her 32 year old daughter haven't spoken in almost two weeks. For some, this might seem like no time at all but to me it's an eternity...considering the fact that my mom and I talk almost every day.

As the story goes, her grandchildren spent a few days with her this summer. During their visit one of their outings was a trip to a farmer's market. She bought the usual, fresh fruit and vegetables.

The kids seemed to have enjoyed their stay and when it was time to head home my coworker's son drove his nieces and nephews back to their mother's.

Later that afternoon my coworker received a call from her daughter that went something like this.

Daughter: So you bought fresh apples for the kids while they were there?

Coworker: Yeah, we went to a farmer's market the other day.

Daughter: What kind of fucking idiot are you to allow a seven year old to use a knife by himself!!!??

The conversation deteriorated from there.

I was as white faced as I can possibly be. This woman isn't my mother but it cut me to the bone hearing that anyone would speak to their mother in this manner. Coworker didn't seem to bothered by it....maybe there's a history there...I don't know.

She refuses to speak to her daughter until she apologizes. Daughter hasn't called again either. For her, the worst part was the daughter not asking her what happened. The child obtained the knife with the help of one of the older siblings, unbeknownst to coworker.

A few other coworkers chimed in about not having very good relationships with their moms. One went so far as to say she was glad her mother was dead (or maybe she said relieved) so she didn't have to be talked down to or chastised or insulted or watch her play favorites with the grandkids anymore....there's definitely a history there.

I was blessed with a beautiful mother....inside and out. I have bouts of anxiety just imagining my life without her. She has enriched my life in too many ways to speak of. All that I am or ever hope to be is owed to this woman.

My heart is broken knowing everyone couldn't, didn't or won't experience that same type bond.

Keeping My Qi Positive

2010-08-07T22:58:00.000-05:00

Learning, growing, evolving...exploring all the possibilites for positive lifestyle changes is my thing.

When I inadvertently purchased some new pieces to decorate the house the clerk at the counter commented on how pretty the butterflies were in the design. Butterflies? I didn't remember seeing any butterflies. I just liked the way the items looked and thought the colors would work well with the room's color scheme. So, I say yeah, those are actually pretty neat which they were.

She went on to share how'd she'd recently heard that butterflies are symbolic of one's resurrection...transformation and/or transition into a new being...a new place...a new beginning. I thought to myself this sounds like me.

Transitioning into the role of a divorcee....a new home owner...middle age... I'm claiming this as my time....my season!

Now I'm all excited!

You see, for me, everything means something...nothing just happens. Like Newton's laws of motion for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. In other words, Every. Thing. Happens. For. A. Reason.

As a dear friend put it -

....We view the world through narrative structures (viewing the world through stories) which gives us a framework in which to interpret events and experiences. If we change the narrative, we change the experience.

For example, if I say I am a blogger, people will believe that. I've made this declaration. Therefore, I practice my craft - I blog. I'm viewed by those I've shared this knowledge with as a blogger. I've created a new story and a new way to view the world. And thanks to the store clerk....now I'm viewing life as a butterfly because I am a new me.

Kim's much better at explaining the narrative thing than I am. Check out his post here.

Lessons I've learned from the butterfly -

1) To accept the changes in my life as casually as she does

2) To understand that toiling, fretting and anger are useless against the turning tides of nature

3) Unwavering acceptance of her metamorphosis is also symbolic of faith...inspiring us to keep the faith as we go through transitions in our own lives.

Following the example of the butterfly and understanding and implementing the true realm of control are lessons well learned.

After reading this, there shouldn't be much guess worked required in trying to figure out what #31 is going to be!

Yesterday Was the Beginning at the End

2010-02-02T02:45:00.000-06:00

Well as of yesterday I am officially d-i-v-o-r-c-e-d. It has taken one year and two months to sort out all the details, court ordered proclamations, custody/visitation, and property settlement. To the unknowing...you would have thought we were J.R and Sue Ellen Ewing. But alas, it was little old me and little old him.

My attorney's office called me about a week ago telling me that the paperwork was ready. I wasn't in any real hurry. I figured since "he" had drawn it out for over a year with foolishness...one more week really wasn't all that bad.

After being separated for nearly 3 years now, I thought I would slip a few shots of Tequila and three male strippers in my purse for an impromptu celebration as soon as the ink dried on the documents.....gotta get a bigger purse.

The strange thing is as I sat there proof reading the paperwork...looking for any undotted i's or uncrossed t's....the idea of a celebration wasn't even close to what I was feeling.

Don't get me wrong...it's been over for a long time. Still, I couldn't shake this feeling of numbness and yes...sadness at the realization that something that's been a part of my life since I was 18 years old (good and bad) was finally over.

After signing and listening to what I hope were some of the last instructions from my attorney, I stepped out into the cold dry morning air and briskly walked to my car.

I hopped in and put the keys in the switch and let the artificially warmed air comfort my chilly exterior but it didn't do a thing for my heart.....still numb, cold, and slightly aching over so many wasted years.

Then I noticed Jacob's little toy race car on the floor beneath the passenger seat. I peered out of my rearview mirror and saw the sticker I display with pride on my back window Proud Army Mom.

I realized that the years between 1988 and 2006, in spite of all the hurt, pain and irreconcilable differences, two of my greatest treasures in life had been created.

For that, I can only thank God and look forward to the happiness that has eluded me for so long......my happy ending.

All I Wanted Was Kool-Aid...I Got Life Instead

2010-01-03T11:11:00.002-06:00

When I become an adult I'll be able to drink all the Kool-Aid I want and YOU won't be able to stop me!!!

I remember mumbling this to myself at least a thousand times growing up as a kid.

My mother made it abundantly clear the only thing I could help myself to in the kitchen without her permission was water.

It may sound a little dictatorial to some. I'm sure it was just her way of making sure I didn't eat myself into an early grave by consuming 20 twinkies, 10 powdered doughnuts and gallons of syrupy sweet beverages in a 24 hour period.

It's funny how the things that are so important to you during your formative years almost cease to exist as you grow older.

Establishing lasting relationships, rearing kids, finding success in your professional career, cleaning up puppy poop, kitty litter boxes, paying bills and attempting to build a little nest egg to fall back on during your golden years all seem to diminish those paramount proclamations we make when we're too young to know any better.

I hadn't thought about my Kool-Aid proclamation in years until this morning.

I was scrolling through my Facebook status updates reading the comments and looking at the photos of schoolmates and their families when a flood of childhood memories came rushing in out of nowhere.

The people who chewed food in the cafeteria with their mouths open in an effort to render you so nauseous you'd have no choice but to give them your lunch, the people who tucked their hand underneath their armpit and made that horrific farting noise, the people who threw spitballs at you and chased you until you were on the verge of collapse pretending there was a bugger on the end of their finger, the people who swore an oath to never marry or have children - all of them (me included) are adults with our own families.

Where does the time go?

I always wondered how on earth my mother could remember her childhood. Surely those stories she told me about similar peer pressure she had faced were so ancient only an archaeologist certified in interpreting hieroglyphics would be able to decipher.

Now I know those stories weren't so ancient at all. I know this because I find myself telling my two boys "When I was a kid......blah blah blah" - and I know they're thinking the same thing I was.

Just last week I received the honorary 'You're-acting-just-like-Nana Award' from my 18 year old.

I have finally arrived.

I am officially my mother and as honored as I am to wear the title proudly, the irony of it all is..........

I DON'T EVEN BUY KOOL-AID