Essence isn't a magazine that I read often. To be honest, I don't remember the last time I read an Essence.
As a teenager, I would grab one of my mom's and quickly thumb through it to look at the pictures. The articles were of no interest to me. I just wanted to scan for the latest in fashion and hair styles which still is the only real use I have for the publication.
So why did I buy the September edition today? Simple - 40. I saw the 40, fierce and fabulous printed across the cover and it was a done deal. For me 40 is almost like being 17 again. I want to know what other 40-year-olds are experiencing...whether the commonalities that we hear about day in and day out of the things you should expect as you approach, after you get there and as you're on your way out of this beautiful time in every woman's life are really as predictable as culture would have us think.
Too bad I never made it to any articles about that. I was stopped dead in my tracks by the magazine's relationship expert and his column. After reading that, the magazine has taken it's rightful place in the big magazine basket in the living room.
Essence's relationship expert is none other than Steve Harvey. Don't get me wrong. I like Steve. I think he's a great comedian and actor. But a dude on his third marriage is not someone I want nor need relationship advice from...unless I subscribe to the notion that practice makes perfect even in finding lasting love. Not trying to be to critical of folks like Steve who've loved, lost, loved, lost and loved again but I'd much rather hear from couples like these regarding a near perfect union. People who've been married 20+ years TO THE SAME PERSON.
But hey, I'll try anything once. So I started reading Mr. Harvey's advice column. Without boring you with all the sorted details a young woman wrote in complaining about not wanting to have sex with her husband. She stressed the fact that she loves her husband. She just doesn't desire him sexually. Sex in their home may occur once every two weeks and even then she doesn't enjoy it.
Steve's advice....
1. Figure out why you don't want to have sex - communicate with the man you love
2. Make him be more involved with household chores - since your fatigue level may be hampering your sex drive
3. If hubby steps up to the plate and puts the kids to bed, does a few dishes, reward him with some quality boot knocking that night
4. For God sake, DON'T share with him that you're not pleased sexually. As this will shatter any man's fragile ego.
5. Finally praise him when he gets it right
Now I'll just be damned! Steve has put the entire problem in this woman's lap. She's too stressed, too tired! As if this isn't enough, she must also bear this burden alone because Steve has warned her against sharing her feelings with her spouse.
Initially, he does mention communication which we all know is crucial to any healthy relationship. Then he turns around and urges her not to tell him. Why? A man's ego is too fragile. What about her ego, her professed love for her husband in spite of her lack of desire for him - what about what she needs? What if there are no kids or damn dishes!?
Must she engage in an act that will eventually become repulsive to her if the two of them don't sort this out somehow.
Come on Steve. Even I know problems have to be aired...brought to the table or they wind up becoming the elephant in the bedroom. And you can't very well have passionate love making with a freakin' elephant in the bed with ya!
Maybe his book was a best seller...but I'm not buying it or the advice he's dishing out in a magazine with a predominantly female readership. Steve's taking this I'm an expert because I say I am and I sold a few book, thanks in part to Oprah, just a wee bit too far.
Not that all of this isn't enough to teach me to never listen to Steve's love advice...but the nail in his advice coffin is the news of his new dating website Locate Your Love. Really?
My advice to the unsatisfied wife.... call Dr. Ruth. She'll tell you just how to get your groove back!
