We are in the midst of the holiday season.In just a few days, homes will be infused with the delightful scents of holiday cooking, the nostalgic reminiscence of Christmases of long ago, the laughter and unbridled energy of little ones scurrying around playing with their shiny new toys - all in jeopardy of becoming a nightmare caused by the relative from hell!
Admit it or not - we all have that one relative that gets on everyone's last frazzled nerve.
Knowing how to deal with these characters often prevents migraines, abrupt departures, or requiring the services of your local bail bondsman on Christmas Day!
Let's take a look at some of the personalities we love to hate!
Uncle Fester
This crabby old bastard is the family bachelor. He claims he never married because of his reputation for being a ladies man. When in actuality his refusal to burn his leisure suits, poor hygiene and obnoxiously loud, disruptive behavior have driven the proverbial nail in the coffin regarding any hopes of Uncle Fester ever scoring points with the ladies.
Uncle Fester's are generally know-it-alls who spend the entire day basking in the sound of their own voice.
The children have learned to steer clear of this relative because the scent of old mothballs, Sulfur 8 and cigar smoke cause excessive tearing and uncontrollable sneezing.
Remedy
Stop picking Uncle Fester up! These poor souls usually don't have a car or a valid driver's license.
If you're feeling guilty about not including Uncle Fester, drop him off a nice plate of goodies to enjoy right in the comfort of his own bachelor pad.
Rocco - The Athletic Jock
Rocco's can be either male or female (although most of my family Rocco's have been male cousins).
These are the athletes who didn't quite make it but know more about every sport, team, athlete and wrestling hold than anyone this side of the Milky Way.
They're rough, love to put you in head locks, sleeper holds or figure four leg locks to show how physically superior they are to everyone else.
The more you scream in agony - the more they grin with excitement
They too can be loud and obnoxious.
Children avoid them at all costs for fear of suffering broken or dislocated bones and possible asphyxiation.
Remedy
Get your larger male cousin (Rocco 2) to kick his ass as soon as he walks through the door.
I promise - you'll not hear another peep out of Rocco 1 the rest of the day.
Patty the Perfect
Patty's can either be blood relatives or in-laws and always female!
These are the relatives who have the best husband, best children, best house, best car, best job, best retirement plan, best furniture, best sex, best therapist (go figure) and best life.
No matter what the conversation is about Patty's have done it...and done it better, of course.
Their children (the one's sitting on the sofa eating buggers or outlining their plan to kill their mother in her sleep to other relatives) detest Patty and are only able to be themselves when they visit on holidays and other special occasions.
Remedy
Take a dose of Motrin or Tylenol pre-Patty the Perfect's arrival.
C'mon somethings you just have to tolerate for the sake of the kids....
Turning the volume up on your iPod when her lips begin to move is another great idea.
Granny Kickass
This cane welding family matriarch demands respect, attention and treatment only the royal family is privileged to.
She never puts her purse down. It's either on her shoulder or gripped tightly with the straps wrapped around her hand nestled safely in her lap. Having her purse close serves two purposes. 1) she never loses sight of her money 2) serves as a weapon used against anyone that stares at it too long...
Granny doesn't approve of loud music, television sets, children, laughter, running, walking or breathing!
She's a snuff dipper. So finding her a make shift spittoon and assisting her to the bathroom (all 15 trips) is pretty much all that's required.
Remedy
Deal with it! She'll probably have croaked by next Christmas.
Well that's my list. Many of the characters were actually inspired by real life relatives I've had the misfortune of being related to. Others were figments of my imagination.
So, your turn -
Any treacherous relative stories to share?
